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I am not a number...

I've decided to reevaluate my fitness goals. I've spent the last few months obsessing over losing the last 10lbs of my goal. I'm on the scale twice a day, stressing over the fact that it is NOT BUDGING!
Instead, I should be focusing on the fact that I've gained a LAP AND A HALF on my five minute drill, the fact that my endurance is so much better, the fact that I can do twice as many push ups as before... not some stupid freaking scale!
Scales and I have a bad history anyway. Those that know me know I've had a past with my weight, which was extremely unhealthy. At 5'7" I weighed less than 100 pounds at the age of 20. A lot less than 100 pounds actually. The wake up call was when I couldn't DO the things I wanted to do. I couldn't run a mile, I couldn't jump around on stage with my bass, I couldn't even play with my dog! So what was the point of being skinny? I've posted this pic before, but here's evidence of what I looked like as I started actually GAINING weight!

On the other side, when I got too heavy, I ran into the same problems. I couldn't run a mile, I wasn't as good of a skater, etc. I feel like weight wise, I'm at a pretty good place right now. Being a derby girl forces me to stay at a healthy weight. For one thing, I'm working out all the dang time, for another, I'm committed to this. To be a good derby girl, I have to eat and train like the athlete I want to be. My body needs good fuel if I expect it to perform at the level I want to perform at.

Which brings me to this; I'm hiding my scale. I'm done with it. I will no longer set my fitness goals by a number. My new fitness goal is not this final ten pounds I want to lose. Instead, I want these things:
1. I want to gain another half lap on my five minute drill. Goal date = Mid October.
2. I want to take my shirt off like every other derby girl. Goal date = First bout.

The half lap I will get by training harder. The shirt thing? That's all about my confidence. Derby requires girls of all sizes, and almost all of the girls on my team whip their shirts off when it's too hot. But me? I suffer and sweat because I'm not confident enough in the way I look. Which is stupid. So by the first bout, the shirt will come off. To hold myself accountable, I'll post a pic of it from the after party on this blog.
I said to a friend the other day, and I stand by this: I am not perfect. But I'm faster and stronger than I was last month. And next month I'll be faster and stronger than I am this month. That is all I'm going to focus on from now on. No more numbers. Just faster, stronger, and then a little faster than before.

12 Responses to “I am not a number...”

  1. what a great post! i absolutely love the new goals you have set for yourself - wonderful! i am in recovery from an eating disorder and, while i was sure that i was in a good and healthy place before i started, derby has definitely helped me through the process. you're absolutely right - in order to play, we MUST provide ourselves with energy or what's the point? why go to practice if i can barely think straight let alone skate? Food is fuel. And changing your mindset from working towards a number to working towards healthy goals (both physical and mental goals) is such a great move. you ARE NOT a number!

  2. love it! thanks for posting!

  3. So I have to ask - how many laps are you up to in 5 mins? I think your goals are awesome! Too many people get caught up in the scale. You're such an inspiration for me, keep it up!

    P.S. Sin City Skates sold out of your book at RollerCon, I went back on Saturday to get one and there weren't any more!

  4. 32.75. My ultimate goal is 34. But for now, I just want to break that dang 33 barrier!

  5. This is a post everyone - male and female - should read! You've made goals for yourself, and rightfully should be proud of your accomplishments.
    The blog has been a joy to read - for inspiration and humor (the antics of Sassy come to mind) - and it is one that I check on a regular basis.
    Hope you continue your quest to be the best skater/boss/wife/friend you can be.

  6. I've only just found your blog, so I've not been reading for that long, but I just wanted to say...

    You are an amazing, funny, intelligent, bass rockin', roller derby queen, and you are everything I wish I had the courage to be.

    I know not everyone can be confident all the time, but believe me, I think you're amazing, and am pretty much in awe. You are the sort of woman who makes me want to do amazing things.

    Just wanted to let you know. :)

  7. I like the idea of setting fitness/skating goals vs. worrying about the weight. It's a bizarre thing anyway, since muscle weighs more than fat. You can reach a point where you have to lose muscle mass to lose weight, and that makes no sense at all.

    That all said, you'd blow my hubs off if you passed me on the track. I hope one day I'll be able to say that I'd like to beat the 33 lap barrier without being ironic. I'm just aiming for a wee twenty five for my wftda assessments in two days.

    Thanks for the perspective. This derby thing really is healthy for body and mind.

  8. Vegbee, me too girl. I'm sitting at 24.5. Holy crap, 33 laps is amazing!

  9. See, now you have to take off your shirt and post pictures, for truly, unbiased comments :P

    I totally agree on the fitness goals trumping the scale. I started a harsh "diet" last week, mainly because my life is all upside down and my health is the only thing I have left that I can control. So I'm forcing myself to actually remember to eat during the day, and to eat the proper kinds of food, rather than not getting lunch and just binging on a "healthy" dinner. I've been managing to play two hours of soccer straight, but I'd also appreciate being able to breath the next day.

  10. I remember when I was twenty I was way under the 100 lb. mark too, but it wasn't because I was trying to be or anything. I was just really sick. Really really sick. Then, when we found out what was wrong, I started taking hormones and my weight shot straight up. I lost a lot of self-confidence because I was used to being stick girl. You made a really good point that I had forgotten: it's good to weigh enough to be able to move around without getting sick.

  11. You make want to do more =] In general. I'm often envious of you in a good way, in a look-up-to-and-want-to-be-like-way. I have so many things I enjoy but can't and don't actually do. You seem to really live. And I love to read about it. Thanks to Gaiman and AFP for pointing me in the direction of your blog!! Gosh I'd love an Amanda Palmer - sounds sinfully yummy =]

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