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Dating a roller girl: A survival guide

Some words of advice if your girl decides to take up derby:

1. If she gets naked, and tells you to "come look at my ass, quick"! don't get excited. She just wants to show you a new bruise shaped EXACTLY like an Atom wheel.
2. If she's fully clothed, and tells you to "come look at my ass, quick"! again, don't get excited. She just wants to show you that her ass is now so well developed, she can balance a beer on it.
3. If she's whining about how much pain she is in, do NOT, repeat, do NOT, say, "why don't you just give up derby". This will only result in,
a) cold shoulder
b) yells of "you don't understand"!
c) the ENTIRE TEAM giving you the cold shoulder for your lack of support.
4. If she is whining about how much time derby takes, see #3.
5. Just accept the fact that sometimes her sweat will smell like beer.
6. Also just accept that your formerly demure, sweet, and quiet girl, may forget that she's not in the company of 60 other roller girls, and smell her pits in public.
7. If you smell something funky in your living area, it's the skate bag. Find it, hide it far away from you. Do not, under any circumstances, open the bag.
8. When she comes home and announces that she's going to wash out her pads, find an excuse, any excuse, to leave the house before she gets them out of her bag. Run fast.
9. Do not be alarmed if she has a "wife" in the league. It's nothing personal.
10. When she is on her period, chances are, the entire league is on their period. All 30-80 of them. Keep it in mind.
11. She will consider panties appropriate attire. Don't try to fight it.
12. Don't waste your money on jewelry. She wants new wheels. If you really want to get laid, new wheels AND bearings.
13. It's not a good idea to let her drive if she's just been skating. She will see the car as one giant roller skate, and every other driver as the opposing team.
14. Those cute feet that you love? Say your goodbyes. They will develop blisters, "pusher creatures", bruises and bunions. Make sure to tell her "they're not that bad" when she goes to wear flip flops in the summer.
15. If you're a girl dating a roller girl, don't try to fight it. You'll probably become one too.
16. If you're a guy dating a girl, either accept your derby widow status, or try to support her by supporting the league as a volunteer.
17. Overall, say goodbye to the girl you once knew. She's been replaced by a roller girl. She's still the same person, just stronger, more confident(and if you're smart) to you, a million times more beautiful.

48 Responses to “Dating a roller girl: A survival guide”

  1. You mean "your" in the subhead, not "you're"

  2. Thanks! That's one of my biggest pet peeves!

  3. Ahahaa! This is hilarious, I loved it. Hopefully my girlfriend can cope. I'm definitely sending her this link.

  4. You are genius...posting on my facebook and twitter. Love it.

  5. OMG #13, 100%. I am a danger just driving home from practice.

  6. This is adorable! I love showing off my bruises ^_^

    You mentioned over on my blog to start my own league. My roommate and his coworker actually got that bug a couple of months ago. They are doing their research to see if it is feasible in our area, and if they can think of sponsors.

    Do you know if anybody has written up a How To manual, as in, a list of things we need to research for this? We've been trying to get a list of all the expenses and required people and whatnot, but with not knowing any roller girls in person, I know there have to be a bunch of details we are not thinking of.

    I really hope we manage to set this up before I have to find a job and move out of town :/

  7. 1st thing to do is get out some flyers, or on facebook, and see if there is an interest in your area! Hold a meeting, see how many girls show up! Then just start googling things like, "starting a roller derby league" or sign up on the yahoo roller girls forums. There are TONS of resources out there! There's a brand new league in Indiana starting up, South Bend Roller Derby. You might hit them up to see how there growing pains are going and what they are doing.
    Good luck!!!!

  8. LOVE IT! Whats the chances of you being ok with us adding this to our website with yr blog link as the bi line??

  9. Corollary to #16: you could also, of course, start a men's derby league :)

  10. Anonymous, totally cool with you adding this to whichever website you speak of ;)

  11. LOVE IT!

    - Josiah -
    Derby Widow to Roll-R-Damage)

  12. If she tells you she is a 'jammer' and you go to a crowded bar and need a drink get close behind her and follow - do not lag behind.

  13. Bwahah #10...stay away from training around the full moon.

  14. LOVE IT!!! So true, you should submit this to a magazine!

  15. This is getting thrown around all over facebook... Nice post!

  16. okay, number 13. I am dangerous.

    My husband would add getting loss of the phrase 'excuse me' and getting hip checked instead every time I need past him to get to the fridge.

  17. LOVE IT !! This guild is sure too help! Thank-you i got most of the stuff on the list down but i forgot about that mysterious bag smell...

  18. Lovely.. true.. and, sigh, somehow perfect.. Diggin my roller girl..

  19. One of the SBRG peeps here.
    We did just as Joan said. We started up a Facebook page, held a meeting at the local skate rink when we had maybe 20 people and took it from it from there.
    Since we have no roller girls in the area we started up with practices that taught rules and simulated derby, we got skaters to show us how to cross-over,coned off a derby track and kept track of everything. We are about to induct over 30 fully geared ladies in afew days!

  20. I think I heart ya Joan of Dark. Couple a days from now, I will (hopefully) officially be a South Bend Roller Girl!

  21. I'm not even a proper roller girl yet and this is just... truth. Love it! Thanks! :D

  22. so funny! (and informative for those who just don't get it) I have to post on my FB for non-derby friends.

  23. To a fellow heroin ;) and derby girl, this ROCKS! Keep up the awesome work-including your crochet books for derby girls!

    ~JoAnn of Arc

  24. Ah such fantastic advice. I will keep all these suggestions in mind in my quest to date a roller girl.

  25. so true! Also reminded me I should really clean my pads....

  26. thanks for post and sharing it

  27. oh man, your post is re written on that times union blog and pinned on pintrest. If you add a pic to your post it can be pinned and the other removed.

  28. Argh! Thanks for letting me know! It's a little annoying this thing got cut and pasted with new "authors" so many times!

  29. Bahahahahaha...I want a Roller Girl even more now :)Thanks for these helpful tips. - Todd Beckley

  30. Bahaha omg so true. I got my girlfriend into derby and she now loves it. It gets a bit crazy in our apartment with two derby girls living together. DON'T even get me started on the pad smell haha.

  31. Roller Girls are awesome.

  32. Only thing you missed was when she comes home smelling like pee and thinks it's a good thing because she got hit THAT hard and got back up.

    Derby Mom Charise (Cheyenne, Wy)

  33. I can not tell you how much I enjoyed reading this blog!!! I have posted this in my FB page hoping my boyfriend will read this... Apparently my ex-husband never got this memo! Some guys, or gals, just can't keep up with the "derby lifestyle". Thanks for the awesome article... and #13 happens ALL THE TIME! I can't tell you how many times I have wanted to run another car off the road, or even smash into them! Thanks again! :)
    T.K.O. Rose
    Springfield Queen City Roller Derby

  34. loveit :D

  35. The comment about the Jammer at the crowded bar had me laughing out loud... I seem to dart and duck through people in crowds without even thinking about it any more.

    As for the original post... was laughing all the way through. #13 makes me feel okay about not being able to drive. I suspect with my rage issues and skating style... me behind the wheel would scare the crap out of most people. :)

  36. where is the advice list for some one dating a derby guy? i've already lost 3 girls to the sport haha

  37. All these and more are reasons why I fell for my derby girl. She had me with the first hip check :P Awesome list, Joan. -DVD

  38. Yeah! I am a proud derby widow, and can relate to every word.

  39. Well done - I consider driving extended derby strategy practice :)

  40. Yes good work you shared here.

  41. Great article! Valid points. The 'and' in the last sentence shouldn't be in the brackets.

  42. I just would like to reword number 16.
    If you're a guy dating a derby girl, don't fight it... join mens derby. Cause derby boys are just as awesome as derby girls.

  43. When do we stop thinking of ourselves as as "roller girls" and start thinking of ourselves as roller derby players, not to mention, athletes? We are women. Not girls. Would you ever refer to a male hockey player as a "hockey boy"? Probably not. It is infantilizing.

  44. All very true. Luckily I'm dating an amazing derby guy who can tolerate my stink, take my hipchecks and thinks my bruises are sexy. And he LOVES my derby ass ;)

  45. This comment has been removed by the author.
  46. I personally hope to be called a "girl" as long as possible. Keep me away from your scary adulthood!

  47. #18. She will be too tired to shower after practice. You have to share a bed with her anyway.

  48. You need to find a derby girl to date.

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