I found out Saturday night that my birth father died. I have very little memories of him. I remember him bringing a garbage bag full of Christmas gifts and it wasn't Christmas ( I later found out from my Mom that it was February). I remember him yelling at me about my Mom and the divorce. I remember ordering ice cream in a plastic dish and when I didn't eat it fast enough he threw it out the window. I cried, not over the ice cream., but because I had just seen the commercial with the crying Native and knew we weren't supposed to litter.

I remember the times he wasn't there more. I remember attending my first protest, picketing downtown with my Mom, brother, and a lot of other women and children over child support. We weren't getting any. I think I found another kid who had some He-Man figures, and played with them, resulting in a very upset me when my brother was on the news and I wasn't. I very specifically remember my Mom not eating so that there was enough for me and my brother.

I remember being really, really poor while my Mom busted her ass solo to provide for us.

I remember being told that he wasn't going to be our Dad any more, as he was waiving his rights so that he wouldn't have to pay child support.

Years later I was in a car accident. When the settlement came, there was some legality that meant he had to be contacted and told that he wasn't getting any money. He reached out to me and we exchanged a few letters. Then he sent me pictures from my High School choir concert to show he had been in the audience. I felt freaked out and ceased contact.

I played a show with my band and was told my Dad was backstage. Popped back expecting to see Greg, the only man who had been a father in my life, and instead there was a stranger who said he was my Dad. It was weird. I was upset that he just showed up without asking me, and made polite small talk until he left. My brother told me the memories he had of our Father and how he didn't want any contact with him. I avoided any other letters or messages on my bands guestbook directed to me, from him.

I graduate. I go to college, I get married, I open my business. My employees state that my Dad had come in the shop looking for me seconds after I left the day before. What? No way! I called Greg and he said, no, he hadn't been in. I asked them to describe the man and sure enough they described my bio Dad, not my Greg-Dad.

Now I felt creeped out. Coming into my business was absolutely crossing a line, but I had no way to contact him and tell him so. Then, a few days later, he sent me a facebook message. He said he had been in the shop and asked if it was okay for him to come in.
I politely told him that no, I wasn't comfortable with him coming into my workplace. It was too weird. He told me he was Christian, and born again and that he had left alcohol behind and was a new man.

Ok, good for you.

Now that I knew that, couldn't he come in the shop? Could we be facebook friends?

No, I'm sorry. It makes me uncomfortable and I know it would scare my Mom. But I'm glad you have a good life now.

You know what? He had sent SO many people from his church to my business. I should be grateful! He should have KNOWN I'd turn out like this. My mother had poisoned me and obviously not raised me right.

And there it was. My proof that he was the person I had always been told he was. No stripes had changed, scorpion and the frog, yada yada.

He messaged again and I blocked him without reading it.

A customer who apparently goes to his church pulled me aside that week and said he had to talk to me. He then proceeded to tell me that my Dad was a good guy and a Christian and I was being unfair. I politely informed him that we weren't having that conversation. He tried to do it again the next week and I said absolutely not. We could talk about coffee and that was all.

That customer then would make attempts to pull my husband aside and plead my fathers case. Every month or so he would update my husband on things about my father, and my husband would just listen politely and (at my request) not pass the information onto me.

Until Saturday, when the customer pulled my husband aside to tell him that my "loving father" had passed away.

Dill told me, and to be honest, I felt weird about how little I felt about it. I wasn't sad, or glad or remorseful in any way. My Mom put it best. She said it's like not getting to finish a book. It just... ended. It's over and there is no conclusion.

I wasn't going to look up the obituary, then my Mom emailed it, seething because it listed my fathers "honorable service in Vietnam". He went to boot camp and was discharged after a month.

My brother and I weren't mentioned. Which shouldn't have surprised me. While his children knew a loving father, we knew someone angry, who held a grudge. If we wouldn't forgive him and let him into our lives, then we wouldn't exist to him.

Oddly enough, last week my Dad Greg officially adopted my brother and I. We had no idea that while we were being adopted , our birth father was in the hospital and would pass.

We're finding different ways to close our books on him. My Mom is going to donate to a domestic abuse charity. I may do the same. Or maybe take my husband out to dinner to celebrate what a good Dad actually is. Or frame my adoption paperwork.

No matter what we do it's over. Sometimes there isn't an ending to our stories. Sometimes it's just the end.

A few months back I heard our friends Neil Gaiman and Cat Mihos were going to be just a couple hours away from us in Ohio. Which meant that not only would we get to see Neil and Cat, but our friends the Scalzis could come as well!
I was told to bring baby Evelyn, and let me tell you, this caused some anxiety! Baby! In public! Evelyn is a great baby, but as a baby, I know she can be unpredictable. What if she melts down in public? What if she becomes the worst baby ever and we are two hours from home? How would I handle it?

Then I decided, I would handle it. That's how! I don't mind babies in public spaces. I mind babies and children with parents that don't handle it. The ones that don't at least TRY to engage with their children, and just trust that in the cafe or restaurant, their kid will be safe.

I had a friend out for dinner with her husband. A small child came tottering up and sat at their table. Oh haha! Cute kid. Then the parent, who was also on a date, came over and PUSHED THE CHAIR IN! As in, my child is now sitting at your table. Please engage her while my husband and I enjoy our date night.
No. Not cool.

Owning my business, of COURSE we see the wild children. A woman in the cafe is enjoying her coffee and muffin. A child, who is not hers, wanders over and grabs her muffin, taking a bite. The woman flags down the mother of said child who says, "Oh! She likes muffins!" and puts the muffin, sans bite, back on the womans plate. (I of course gave her a new muffin, but shouldn't the parent have offered to replace it? I will eat after my child, but I would not expect other to do so!)

I know everyone has these stories. But can't we also remember the good ones? The kid who is fascinated with the fish tanks, so his father plopped them down in front of them while he studied for his bar exam. On days his kid wasn't having it, he would quickly get his drink to go.

I've been so tense about going to restaurants, movies, etc. If people are paying to enjoy themselves, I don't want my baby crying to ruin their good time!

Then I watched as local brewery Sun King announced they were allowing children, and people melted down.

Then I got mad. I want to go to a brewery and hang out with my friends. Why shouldn't I be able to go, just because I have a tiny human? I'M still a human! I want to do human things!

Sop we went to the event in Ohio, and Evelyn was a doll. She got her cuddles from Neil, and the Scalzis. We sat in the audience to hear Neil speak, and she fussed, so I took her to the side and rocked her until she fell asleep. Sat back down and listened to Neil talk for a while, then Evelyn let out the LOUDEST fart and dirtied her diaper. I left again, and decided not to go back in since I didn't want to be a distraction for people who had paid to attend the event. Went backstage and hung out with Cat, listening to Neil over the PA.


Backstage cuddles

I'm not certain, but I think that she didn't disturb anyone in the audience. No more than someone who might get a dry throat and cough, or sneeze, or an adult who might have to run out to the bathroom.

After the event we went to dinner, and I held my baby in my lap at the very fancy steakhouse and wondered if anyone was judging me for having an infant out to a fancy place, and so late at night.

The next day, as we're all on twitter talking about how wonderful the event was, someone posted this:



Haha! So funny! So cute! Yay! So happy to see friends loving on my baby. I'm imagining the cool kid she's going to grow up to be, and how fortunate we are to have amazing friends like this in our life.

Then I see this response. (I covered the username as I don't want to see a witch hunt on this person)





There are my worst fears realized. People don't want my baby in public, no matter how well behaved she is. At first I felt sad, then I started feeling frustrated.

I want my little human to grow up to be a good human. How will that happen if I keep her inside 24/7 and never expose her to real life, and how to behave in real life? Also, give me a chance before getting mad at the site of a baby! Am I ignoring her when she cries? Is she smelly and I'm refusing to change her diaper, causing the stench to waft over everyone in the vicinity? Or am I attending to her and ensuring that your experience is in no way hampered by her presence? Why not see which scenario is taking place before getting pissy at the idea of a baby in public with adults?

Thankfully, she has good friends that have her back. (Thank you John)




Look, I get it. My husband and I are not young. We were together for almost 2 decades before having a kid. I know what it's like to not have kids, and not understand them. But don't hate on the idea of every single baby you see in public! Give them a chance, the same way you give other adults in public a chance.

And as a mother, I can tell you that if I do see a parent trying to console a baby while attempting to eat hot food themselves (I've had exactly 4 hot meals since having my kid) or wrangle a wiggly one onto a changing table, I'm going to be the kind of human I want my kid to be. I'm going to offer a hand, not just roll my eyes and think "How DARE they have a baby if they can't do everything perfectly!". Maybe think about doing the same next time, instead of just snapping judgement on twitter?

First off, forgive any typos in this blog post. I asked Dill to get me a new keyboard and he was very proud of himself for finding a great deal on one. It arrived and... it's Swedish. So when I go to hit my left shift key I tend to hit \\\\ a lot. Also I can't find the apostrophe when I look for it. I'm automatically hitting it, but when I try to FIND it, no dice.

I've had a few moments of feeling like I wasn't doing the best at this Mom thing. When it took forever for my breast milk to come in, when I realized that my dreams of having a spotless home just weren't happening with a baby that wants to be in my arms 24/7 and when my body hasn't instantly bounced back. In fact, it's worse than ever. If I restrict calories, my supply tanks. If I do a high impact workout, the lactic acid builds up and Evelyn is not fond of the taste.

But while those things might not make me the super mom I thought I would be, I haven't really cared. Anything for my baby. If I've got to be a little extra fat for a year so she can get the best nutrition possible, who cares? I can do that! If I can't go out because she doesn't like the bottle... whatever. She's only a baby once. I can stay home.

And it's been working. We overall have a happy, wonderful baby. She smiles, she babbles and cuddles, and her cries are never a mystery. She's either hungry or dirty. And nothing, NOTHING pierces my heart like when she frowns and cries and looks at me to let me know something is wrong. So I fix it, and I fix it FAST. I thought I would discreetly cover and breastfeed, but no. My baby is hungry, that boob is coming OUT. If you don't want to see it, look away.

Then came yesterday. We'd had sort of a rough week and there's been some stress. We've been car shopping (ugh), and trying to get some things under control at work. Overall though, everything has been okay. Dill invited a family member over who wanted to see Evelyn, and I decided I would let them handle baby time while I indulged in a bath.

Sink into the tub and I hear a cry start to build up from the other room. Got dried off, and dressed, and at this point cry is near hysterical. Ok, no problem. There's been a feeding delay before and I know all the tricks to getting her calmed down and latched on. Should take 2 minutes, tops. Three minutes, five minutes, ten minutes pass... what the heck is going on with my baby?
I strip her down and turn on the bath water. She LOVES her baths. It usually instantly soothes her, but nope. Still hysterical.

My poor baby girl screamed her head off for over an hour. Family member had to leave as I attempted to rock and soothe my girl. She kept looking me in the face while screaming like she was begging me to fix what was wrong.

I've had failure in my life before, but never have I felt like a failure, until I couldn't bring my baby some peace. About 5 minutes after the family member leaving, she was nursing and happy. Everything was fine, but I felt shaken. I had never, ever let my daughter down like that. I'd never tried so hard with her and failed.

I'm sure this is not the first time this will happen, but man, it was exhausting. All you parents with colicy babies, I owe you a hug. Crying babies are HARD. And now I'm nervous because we're going to an event tomorrow with Evelyn. What if this happens again? How do you deal with a baby meltdown in public when none of the calming tricks work? WHY CAN'T YOU REASON WITH BABIES?

I'm staying home and cuddling her today, and I'll attempt to get some work done. I have a Drunk Knitting episode to edit (Yay! It's back)!Taxes to wrap up and a couple new designs to work on. Also if I can somehow lose 10lbs and get my muscles back by tomorrow that would be great.

Smiling Evelyn, to remind myself that happy is the norm.



I love my baby. I know everyone loves their babies, but dang. I REALLY love my baby.
Unfortunately, baby love has turned me into the least productive person in the world. Who cares about deadlines? The baby smiled! Who cares about making money? She's holding her head up! Who cares about getting back into shape? The baby discovered her knees!

My goal over the next couple weeks is to try and get my productivity back. I've actually been going to work (baby in tow) a few days a week. Sean and I have also set some book deadlines, including releasing a single pattern from the book next month!

I'd write more about it, but I swear the baby is on the verge of laughing.

Last weekend we had some pretty simple plans. Friday after work we went on our weekly lunch date for thai food. I saved most of mine since we had a doctors appointment right after. The plan was food, doc, drop Dill at the brewery for his guy time, and I would go home and clean and eat. Saturday was supposed to be more cleaning and going to see Thor.

Life however, had other plans....

Went to the doctor, did the pee in a cup thing the weight, the blood pressure... the blood pressure again.. then again.. then the doctor came in to talk to me.

"Go to the hospital. Your blood pressure is really high. We've made it pretty far guys, but now is the time. Get your bags from home later, get there as soon as you can. Right now."

I got tunnel vision, and couldn't hear anything anymore. I wanted to cry, I looked at Dill and told him he was now in charge of hearing everything.

We rushed to the hospital where I was checked in and they started inducing labor. Dill ran home to get our bags, and we texted our family to let them know what was happening.

What followed was a blur of pain and waiting. Early labor felt like cramps. Then they did a foley bulb (Google it. Then NEVER EVER EVER GET ONE). Then another foley bulb. It did nothing. (Funny aside, before I got the bulb, our friend Matt texted to tell us that if Kristin were here, she would tell me to kick the nuts of anyone who suggested a foley bulb. Of course, we didn't see that text until after it was done!) Just more pain, more severe cramps. I was HUNGRY (remember how I saved my lunch? Yea. They don't let you eat when you're in labor.)

I listened to a lot of roller derby using it as my focal point during contractions which were now about 2 minutes apart. I would try to count the scores in my head, focus on what the announcers were saying. During game breaks Dill and I paced the halls. We were the only people in the labor ward for most of the time. Two other couples came and went while we were there. My parents were amazing and fetched food for Dill, though by late Saturday I asked them to eat it outside the room, since I was faint from hunger.



In the meantime, Dill got food poisoning. So he was alternating between coaching me in labor and throwing up in the bathroom. I contemplating calling a friend who I knew was a doula in case he didn't get better since I didn't want to go through birth all by myself!

By Sunday, I asked my Doctor if today could be the day. My birth plan was going out the window. (I wanted an all natural experience, but by this point contractions were a minute apart, my cervix wasn't even close to being dilated enough, and I was blacking out from pain.) Dill was having to hold me up on the birthing ball and when we walked since I was collapsing at points. Finally after four pm I asked for the epidural. I just couldn't keep going on no sleep and no food. Afterwards I took a half hour nap, and tried to go again.

At this point the doctor warned me that we were most likely looking at a c-section. It wasn't at all what I wanted, but I knew I couldn't stay in labor limbo forever.

In the meantime, the storms rolled in. Thunder, lightning, and as they strapped me to a table in the OR (Seriously, it looks like they're setting you up for execution) the lights flickered. As Dill came in to join me the tornado sirens went off. Fitting for the daughter of one!

I can't even describe how scared I was. I was terrified that I would feel them cutting me, or that the baby wouldn't survive the procedure. When they pulled her out I felt my hips lift off the table, while they exclaimed what a big baby she was. I heard one short cry, then another, while I started bawling and yelling "Is she alive? She's alive??"

I got my first glimpse of her when they were cleaning her up. The flap from the sheet covering me was in the way and Dill kept trying to move it so I cold see. Her eyes were wide open and she was grabbing everything in sight. The nurses, the towels, she even made a go at the pair of scissors they used to cut her cord. Dill went over with her and got to touch and hold her, then he finally brought her to me.




See the bloody scissors? That's what she made a grab for.



Clutching a towel




Finally, finally, finally my daughter.

It took forever for them to stitch me up. I was jealous that Dill got to hold and talk to Evelyn so much. I couldn't take my eyes off her, but I was also so uncomfortable! I kept begging for them to unstrap my arms, or at least take the blood pressure cuff off! My hands and wrists were twitching and I felt like I couldn't control them. (probably why they kept them strapped!)

Dill also admitted later that during all of this, he peeked over the curtain at what was going on. I'm glad I couldn't see it, as apparently they take parts of you out, lay them on you, inspect them, seal them up and then put them back! He assures me that I'm beautiful on the inside, and now he has had visual proof.

Recovery was a blur. I was trying and trying to force feeling back into my legs so that they would let me up out of bed. No matter how many times I assured them that I would be fine, they still made me wait until morning to walk on my own.

Upstairs we went to postpartum, where Dill slept for the first time in days. I attempted to, but I was woken every hour for blood pressure and incision checks. I was also brought my baby over and over again so that she could nurse.

The next few days were a mix of wanting to get the heck out of the hospital and being terrified of taking our baby home. We were both inspected, poked and prodded over and over again. Friends came to visit and brought us food and relief that the outside world still existed.

Meanwhile, I couldn't believe how much PAIN I was in! I had understood in the abstract that a c-section was major surgery, but wow. There are no words for how much it hurts. I've been through surgery before, but this recovery has been something entirely other. Perhaps because I'm less concerned with taking care of myself, and more concerned with my baby.

Every few minutes, I would pull myself out of bed (not easy when you aren't supposed to use your ab muscles) shuffle over and make sure she was breathing.



Going home was a shock to my system. I don't know that I can describe it. Just that she screamed for the first 2 hours she was here, I had to sit down and just stare at a wall to decompress while Dill calmed her down, and that it was the first time I felt completely disconnected from her.

After that though, I have felt nothing but love. Even when I should be frustrated, I just love her and am so thankful that she's here. I've broken down in tears thanking my husband for going through this with me. The IUIS, the surgery, the IVFs, everything was worth it for her. Going through all those fertility treatments definitely strengthened our marriage. We were there for each other through some pretty severe ups and downs.


I've become a baby hog. I cuddle her all the time and at the first twitch or squirm I want to grab her from whoever is holding her. I love the feeling of her curled up against me, cuddled into my neck or sleeping on my lap, holding my finger with her hand.

Thank you as well to everyone who has followed along with this blog and listened to me ramble incessantly about IVF. It is, at times, a very isolating thing to go through, and it's good to dump my feelings to a computer screen and know there are others out there reading along!

I'm using the baby time to make some progress on the book. Evelyn gives her opinion on swatches sometimes, by either grabbing it away from me or giving it the side eye. Not sure what exactly the translation is for her opinions, but I'm confident she has strong ones!

Next blog should have some sneak peeks at the new book!

If you've had a chance to see the fantastic John and Hank Green on the Turtles All the Way Down tour you really should! We had such a blast! Many, many thanks to my friend Elyse for getting us seats and backstage to say "hi" to John and Hank! We've met John before at a wedding reception. I have a fond, horrifying memory of introducing myself, chatting for a bit, then trying to introduce Dill only to have to say, "Ah, yes. That's him over there. With the tie on his head."

If he remembered that incident he was polite enough to not bring it up.

The stage show was hilarious, with Dr. Turtleman being my favorite part! ("Next slide please!") Plus, it's always lovely to see a sold out theater for a book tour!

If you follow me on Instagram you've already seen some of these pics. I didn't take a lot since I didn't want to be obnoxious and I wanted to just chill out and enjoy the show!




Two California Roller Derby teams took a huge step towards derby domination yesterday:

"Stronger Together: Sacramento’s Top Roller Derby Teams Unify



Sacramento, CA: Sac City Rollers and Sacred City Derby Girls are Sacramento's preeminent roller derby teams and today they are proud to announce they will be unifying in 2018, under a to be determined name. Both teams have been operating in Sacramento for over ten years and have been leaders in northern California roller derby. Both have represented Sacramento at national and international tournaments, for international rankings, within the Women’s Flat Track Derby Association (WFTDA).



This decision was born out of the desire to create a stronger and more competitive roller derby league, to represent Sacramento on an international level. Members from both leagues are hopeful about the future that combining resources can provide.



“This unification has been a long time coming. With both leagues sharing many of the same attributes, I'm excited about our collective growth. We have an amazing opportunity to accelerate the expansion of roller derby in and around the Sacramento area and we look forward to seeing what the future holds”, said Anitra Hayden, General Manager of Sac City Rollers. Crystal Brahm, Director of Administration for Sacred City Derby Girls stated, “This unification will allow the city of Sacramento to see a higher level of roller derby, while allowing our league a chance to compete at the top of our sport. It just makes sense to combine two high level teams to create an even stronger one for our sport and our community.”.



Both leagues would like to thank their fans and supporters and hope that they will continue to support this joint effort. As a united team the league will strive to be even more involved within the community. As its first act of community engagement, SCR and Sacred are asking for ideas from the public as part of its rebranding process. To find out more visit Sac City Rollers’ and Sacred’s Facebook pages, facebook.com/saccityrollers/ and facebook.com/SacredCity/."

I think this is an amazingly smart move! I've never understood two teams in one city. It only makes sense if the city is large enough to support two leagues. (Minnesota and North Star come to mind. And technically, they are in the twin cities)But when you get to smaller cities like Evansville and yes, Indianapolis, I don't understand splitting the already limited resources and fan base. Evansville did make the decision to merge into one league and saw a lot more success from it.
To be fair for Indianapolis where we have both Naptown and Circle City , there are a LOT of people who want to play Roller Derby. Naptown not only has their "A" team, The Tornado Sirens, they also have the Warning Belles, the Third Alarm and the new rec League, Rolling Thunder. That is a lot of teams with a lot of talent. (And in my humble opinion, the league would really benefit from home teams! Hint hint)

I should also state that I don't know a lot about Circle City Derby. In the beginning it was created by a couple of girls who split from Naptown, but in the past 10 years they've obviously grown into their own thing. There has been some bouncing back and forth from skaters between the two leagues, which I think is natural when the two teams are so close together. The grass could always be greener right?

In the old days, both leagues could have sell out attendance. Now though, with leagues across the country struggling to fill stands, it doesn't make sense to split the pool of talented skaters a city has. I think it would also be different if one league was strictly a rec league, but with both of them being WFTDA it just seems like a division of resources.

Have another perspective? Are there benefits to having two leagues close together? Hit up the comments here or on facebook! I'd love to hear other thoughts!

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